My Cell Phone Issues..

I have a blackberry and it's just not working out for me! Its falling apart and not working right. I have tmobile and I can't stand them! My contract ends in August of 2012 and I can't wait that long to get an upgrade. I don't get service anywhere I go and I hate their workers. They don't listen when you say block web. I told them to block it so I can use wifi and I ended up using data since they didnt block it. Therefore I have to pay. I'm not payin for something I didn't ask for! They dont stand by what they say at all. I want the iPhone 4s on a verizon plan with a new number. I refuse to pay for the cancelation fees to cancel my tmobile service. So, I am going to file a complaint stating that I get no service anywhere and that since I complained so many times and it hasn't been resolved, I'm going to switch services and I'm not paying the fees. I'm done and that's the end of story. I they have a problem, give the phone to their manager because I have a reason to be angry and to not pay the fees. Why should I pay for the service I never have? I'm dieing for the iPhone and I asked tmobile if they would get it, they said they don't want to get it because they have phones that are better. YEAH RIGHT! Tmobile sucks, phones suck, end of story! I'm done with them!

I hate my father!

So I havn't posted anything about my dad on this blog. But, 2 years ago in May, me and my mom called the police on my dad for demestic violence. It took me more than 6 months to be able to talk to him. I still wander if communicating after the inncident was a good idea. I spent time with him, talked to him, invited him to by partys, and even complained to my mom that he was giving me no money at all. He only gives me money for my birthday and holidays. Not Even! The money he gives me on those days comes out from what he gives to my mom. Well, let me just tell you, the days that I spent talking/going out with him were sometimes ok and sometimes more abuse. But, in these cases, verbal abuse. So, yesturday, he called me for the first time since he hurt me on my birthday, September 10th. He asked me how I was and I resoponded with good. He gave me his "NEW" number and told me not to give it to anybody. But, really, I didn't even want to give it to myself. Then, he asked how dance was, confirmation was, and school was. I responded to them all with a good. He then told me that he was getting an appartment of his own and that he was going to be coming over to get his (junky as I think) stuff from out house. Right then and there, I felt like saying, "Good for you bastard. Have a great fucking life! Dont involve me in it and don't even think your going to ruin me and mommy again because I don't have to take that crap from you and neither does she. Nice to know that you don't even want to work something out with your family before getting a freaking appartment." However, I didn't say a word. I dont know what I should do anymore. Should I include him in my life and make an effort to think he's a real father or should I deny his calls? When he does give me something for x-mas, I wont take it. I'm going to respond with a, "Your gift doesn't mean a thing after all the days I went without talking to you, the days that went by that you didn't make an effort to be a father, the times you hurt me, the arguments that you caused, and the ways you acted stupid for no reason at all. They dont mean one single thing to me and you certainly dont either. You dont even care how bad you hurt me. All you care about is you and your life." I.CANT.LIVE.WITH.THIS.FEELING.ANYMORE! This stress needs to go and the only way to get it off me is to LET GO. I just need to think if its what I should do. Is there anybody out there who can help me? Throw him away or attempt it again?

I Feel Something Crawling Up My Stomache!

I feel tension crawling up inside of me upwards my heart. I don't think it's good and I feel as if something bad is going to burst out of me such as anger like last night. But, even worse! I'm trapped in my house with nothing to do. I'm done with this shitty life of mine. I wish u could wake up being a different person with my mom, friends, grandma, and add a father who actually is there or me and ucares greatly about me. I don't want to be like this. I'm done with this. I hate my life. But most of all, I hate me!..

The Animal Inside?

So as you all know, the singer, Ke$ha sings about an animal being inside all of is in some way. Is the animal inside of me evil? Last night, I went crazy and I took all my anger out on the world. Was thi the animal controlling me or just my mind giving me the urge to go off and take my shit out on people. I don't just feel like crap, but I also feel that the people who dealt with me last night, didn't deserve one single bit of the torture. I feel ashamed! I was the one that should've been pit through he'll and consequences last night and j should've controlled whatever it was that made me act out. I was the reason for all of this and I didn't mean any of the things I said. Why was I such the jerk that I was and why couldn't I just stop it before it got to the point of extreme as it did? Woah!

Scary Thought!

So I was just dancing at home and I was actually pretty confused and was wandering if the question that crossed my mind was true or not. When I dance at school and my studio, am I good? Should I be worried about people watching me? Do I make a fool out of myself because I'm bad? Do I have dance in me? I will never know because I just can't watch myself dance. I wander if I flow with the music and if I even have rhythm. Omg!

...hmmm..thinking...

So just now, I realized how big this part of my life is. Right now, is the biggest and most dangerous part of a teenagers life. What I do throughout my high school life will always haunt and come back to me sooner or later.

This is what I think-

1. High School
• Trying hard to fit in
• Thinking about the consequences that can and may happen
• Getting good grades for colleges to recognize
• Wandering if your becoming an outcast
• Trying to stay out of trouble
2. Friends
• Who are they?
• Which ones mean the most to me?
• Which ones can I personally trust?
• Making sure I dont choose the wrong decision and lose a friend
• Are they talking bad about me behind my back?
3. People Around Me
• What do they think about me?
• Trying to make new friends
• Are they talking about me? - Bad or Good?
• Do I change to get people to notice me?
4. Relationships
• No girls like male dancers
• Who actually has a crush on me?
• Why can't it be easy as other people?
• I'll never get the girls

The question thats left to ask is:
Am I actually an outcast?

Have things changed?

So, I finally went with a decision to tell my friend today. Now, I just have to make sure it all works out. However, the bad thing is that I notices that I have been in a very bad mood and its been showing in my personality and the way I act around and to people and friends. Nobody seems to like it but I just dont know how I can controll it. It's like something or somebody has taken controll of me. I can't help myself from being like this. It's just who I am i guess.