Burlesque - By: Amaud Jamaul Johnson

Watch the fire undress him,

how flame fingers each button,

rolls back his collar, unzips him

without sweet talk or mystery.

 

See how the skin begins to gather

at his ankles, how it slips into

the embers, how it shimmers

beneath him, unshapen, iridescent

 

as candlelight on a dark negligee.

Come, look at him, at all his goods,

how his whole body becomes song,

an aria of light, a psalm’s kaleidoscope.

 

Listen as he lets loose an opus,

night’s national anthem, the tune

you can’t name, but can’t stop humming.

There, he burns brilliant as a blue note.

"For the Love of a Son"

So, I haven't talked or seen my dad for a few months now, and really, it feels kinda good. I'm dealing with it all. However, there's many different things that have got me threw the process such as Demi Lovato's song called "For the Love of a Daughter" which is about not talking to her dad for a long time and that she is trying to turn to him for help as well as trying to tell her father that he has to choose between his alcohol and his daughter. This is exactly what I am going through as a son instead of a daughter. She states, "Before even I love you, starts to sound like a lie" which is exactly how I feel when my father says it to me. She's a huge inspiration to me and she has taught me how to stay strong and that every little thing will eventually be okay. Her speeches that she gives are amazing and I personally don't know what I would do without the amazing speeches and advice that she gives her fans. I have also related my life to the song when read the book "Defending Jacob" by: William Landay when Andy visits his father in jail and the father explains to the son on how he didn't feel like his father and that he was upset that he couldn't be a part of Andy's life due to the fact that Andy didn't want him to be. This relates to the words in the song, "I'd love to leave you alone but I cant let you go." It's a very hard choice to make and it's hard to make that decision as a child. But, for now, things need to stay just the way they are. I have nobody to turn to for help. It will have to stay that way in order for me to be peaceful. I have too many issues of my own and I cant afford another issue with my dad.

My Cell Phone Issues..

I have a blackberry and it's just not working out for me! Its falling apart and not working right. I have tmobile and I can't stand them! My contract ends in August of 2012 and I can't wait that long to get an upgrade. I don't get service anywhere I go and I hate their workers. They don't listen when you say block web. I told them to block it so I can use wifi and I ended up using data since they didnt block it. Therefore I have to pay. I'm not payin for something I didn't ask for! They dont stand by what they say at all. I want the iPhone 4s on a verizon plan with a new number. I refuse to pay for the cancelation fees to cancel my tmobile service. So, I am going to file a complaint stating that I get no service anywhere and that since I complained so many times and it hasn't been resolved, I'm going to switch services and I'm not paying the fees. I'm done and that's the end of story. I they have a problem, give the phone to their manager because I have a reason to be angry and to not pay the fees. Why should I pay for the service I never have? I'm dieing for the iPhone and I asked tmobile if they would get it, they said they don't want to get it because they have phones that are better. YEAH RIGHT! Tmobile sucks, phones suck, end of story! I'm done with them!

I hate my father!

So I havn't posted anything about my dad on this blog. But, 2 years ago in May, me and my mom called the police on my dad for demestic violence. It took me more than 6 months to be able to talk to him. I still wander if communicating after the inncident was a good idea. I spent time with him, talked to him, invited him to by partys, and even complained to my mom that he was giving me no money at all. He only gives me money for my birthday and holidays. Not Even! The money he gives me on those days comes out from what he gives to my mom. Well, let me just tell you, the days that I spent talking/going out with him were sometimes ok and sometimes more abuse. But, in these cases, verbal abuse. So, yesturday, he called me for the first time since he hurt me on my birthday, September 10th. He asked me how I was and I resoponded with good. He gave me his "NEW" number and told me not to give it to anybody. But, really, I didn't even want to give it to myself. Then, he asked how dance was, confirmation was, and school was. I responded to them all with a good. He then told me that he was getting an appartment of his own and that he was going to be coming over to get his (junky as I think) stuff from out house. Right then and there, I felt like saying, "Good for you bastard. Have a great fucking life! Dont involve me in it and don't even think your going to ruin me and mommy again because I don't have to take that crap from you and neither does she. Nice to know that you don't even want to work something out with your family before getting a freaking appartment." However, I didn't say a word. I dont know what I should do anymore. Should I include him in my life and make an effort to think he's a real father or should I deny his calls? When he does give me something for x-mas, I wont take it. I'm going to respond with a, "Your gift doesn't mean a thing after all the days I went without talking to you, the days that went by that you didn't make an effort to be a father, the times you hurt me, the arguments that you caused, and the ways you acted stupid for no reason at all. They dont mean one single thing to me and you certainly dont either. You dont even care how bad you hurt me. All you care about is you and your life." I.CANT.LIVE.WITH.THIS.FEELING.ANYMORE! This stress needs to go and the only way to get it off me is to LET GO. I just need to think if its what I should do. Is there anybody out there who can help me? Throw him away or attempt it again?

I Feel Something Crawling Up My Stomache!

I feel tension crawling up inside of me upwards my heart. I don't think it's good and I feel as if something bad is going to burst out of me such as anger like last night. But, even worse! I'm trapped in my house with nothing to do. I'm done with this shitty life of mine. I wish u could wake up being a different person with my mom, friends, grandma, and add a father who actually is there or me and ucares greatly about me. I don't want to be like this. I'm done with this. I hate my life. But most of all, I hate me!..

The Animal Inside?

So as you all know, the singer, Ke$ha sings about an animal being inside all of is in some way. Is the animal inside of me evil? Last night, I went crazy and I took all my anger out on the world. Was thi the animal controlling me or just my mind giving me the urge to go off and take my shit out on people. I don't just feel like crap, but I also feel that the people who dealt with me last night, didn't deserve one single bit of the torture. I feel ashamed! I was the one that should've been pit through he'll and consequences last night and j should've controlled whatever it was that made me act out. I was the reason for all of this and I didn't mean any of the things I said. Why was I such the jerk that I was and why couldn't I just stop it before it got to the point of extreme as it did? Woah!

Scary Thought!

So I was just dancing at home and I was actually pretty confused and was wandering if the question that crossed my mind was true or not. When I dance at school and my studio, am I good? Should I be worried about people watching me? Do I make a fool out of myself because I'm bad? Do I have dance in me? I will never know because I just can't watch myself dance. I wander if I flow with the music and if I even have rhythm. Omg!